Food.

I'm hungry.

Yeah, my stomach is growling and I'm licking my lips. I really am hungry for food. But something else too. I can't quite say yet. Idk. I'll figure it out soon.

Reflections

Well.

I made a lot of mistakes. I know that.

But, I think they were for the best. I mean...I figured out some things that I should have figured out before. Or maybe not. Maybe I was supposed to learn all of this now. Maybe it was all planned out.

That's kind of a comforting thought.

But I know that I hurt people that were, and still are, very important to me. And I need to apologize for that. I know that an apology really does nothing...but there is nothing else that I can do. What am I supposed to say? "Well, now you know that I'm a terrible person who enjoys hurting people. I have no heart whatsoever and creating misery is my passion."

As much as you would like to hear that, it's simply not true. I hate hurting people. Despise it. Every time someone is hurting, I hurt too. And when I cause the pain, it's almost suicidal. Literally. Maybe I don't have a heart though. I mean, how could I possibly when I gave it away? I hope I have a little smidgen left though, so that it will grow back. I know that time will allow it to grow back. I just have to let it.

I know I was wrong. But I was right too. I know that I did the right thing. The only thing wrong about it was the timing. I should have done it sooner. But the past is the past. I can't change it. I shouldn't have said some of the things that I said, and I should probably have gone about it in a different way. But the fact of the matter is that I didn't. And I can't change that.

Well. I made some important decisions. I'm staying in-state for college. Going about 4 hours away from home. So I still get out of the house but I also get out of debt.

I'm sorry.

Peace

I have been told that the point of war is peace...on the victors terms. If that's true, then is there such a thing as peace? I'm talking about the peace that people think of automatically. No one is being attacked and no one is attacking another.

In each case, there's going to be a person or entity that does not feel as if they have peace because they will not have been the victors.

I don't think that peace like that is possible. Even if you have peace in the broad perspective, like your country is not being attacked, you still don't have peace in your home. How many families are broken apart? Fights happen every day. Domestic violence...murder...theivery. If we truly had peace would any of this be necessary?

So...where do we get this idea of peace from?

Well, I'll tell you my idea.

You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and you just have absolutely nothing to do? Your life my be hell...perhaps you just lost your job, you have bills to pay, kids to feed...etc. But for that one moment, your eyes flutter open after a good night's sleep and a small smile plays on your lips. Maybe you roll to the side and see the one you love sleeping right next to you. And for that moment, you experience peace. Maybe you reach over and brush his hair out of his face. Smile as he moves away from your hand, maybe utters a groan and tries to roll over some more, pulling all of the covers with him. That's peace. In a few minutes, you'll realize you have no job with bills to pay and kids to feed...but for now, none of that matters.

There are other times that you can experience this feeling. But for me, that is the most prominent. Granted, it has yet to happen, but I can just imagine. It makes me smile to think about it. I can't wait.

Timeline

Time is continually ticking away.

As each year progresses, it becomes a continually smaller fraction of our entire life. So, each year seems to go faster then the one before it because it is a smaller portion of our lives.

It's an exponential cycle that we cannot escape. When we are 75, one year is 1/75th of our life. But when we are 3, one year is 1/3rd of our life. So it seems to get faster as time goes on.

I think that it's hard to actually measure time. It goes by in so many different ways for different people. Some people complain that it drags on. Others complain because it goes too quickly. Me? I'm somewhere in the middle.

I'm so disappointed with myself that I didn't make the most of the time that I had in high school. I wish that I would have gotten to know the people that I met senior year as a freshman. But I was too set in my ways, too scared to branch our to new people that I missed out on a lot of fun.

I wish that I had done more. Tried more things. Because I am quickly realizing that my life is gettting shorter and shorter. I have so much to do, and so much that I have not done. I used to think that I was doing so much with my life. I was busy all the time. Now I realize that I have done nothing.

I have gone to school.

I have had the same friends for years.

I need to meet new people. Try new things. Live. I want to live my life. No longer will I pass each day without realizing that it is another that I have lost. I do not want each day to be a day that I lose. I want it to be a memory that I gain. And to make this happen, I'm going to have to work hard.

I want to look back and wish I could live my life over again. Not because I would do it differently...but because I would do it the same way again because I loved it so much.

To experience everything I experience for the first time. Never again will I know the wonder of getting a dollar under my pillow from the tooth fairy. Never again will I see the ocean for the first time. Never again will I fall in love for the first time.

I just wish that I would have been a bit more wise earlier. I still have a long way to go.

Uniting the world with terrible dancing.

Beautiful in a chilling yet amazing way.

What the hell were you thinking!??

I have reached the conclusion that some people are just born insane. Because no matter how many times you tell them otherwise, they continue, day in and day out, to do the same, stupid stuff EVERY DAY.

Like pushing on the "pull" door.

Or asking for coffee and then getting mad when it's hot.

Not following instructions and wondering why it's not working.

Honking at me to go when the light is red.

Running into closed doors.

Pretending to be busy by reading a book...upside down.

It's even funnier when you see the people saying that they "never" do those things and then...*poof* they do them right then and there. I have seen someone say that they never drink decaf...then pour themselves a cup. Once, a friend of mine said her boyfriend would never cheat on her...we walked outside to find him making out with a different girl. I die laughing because people are so idiotic sometimes.

I suffer from idiotism too though. I mean, I've run into my fair share of glass doors. I have run red lights because I swore they were green. I have stopped fully at green lights because I swore they were red. I have sat on hold for 20 minutes before I realized that they had hung up on me. I have been mad at people for calling me and yelled at them because all I got was silence until I realized my phone was muted. I have tried for 3 hours to fix my computer before I realized the battery was dead.

So like I said, I'm as guilty as the rest of them. But I still like to laugh at them. And occasionally, I laugh at me too.

The Truth

I happen to love the truth.

Yea, I know that sounds kind of obvious. But have you ever realized how many people don't like it?

I mean, look at all these sayings:

"Truth and happiness...you can have 1 but not both."

"Most truths are so naked that people feel sorry for them and cover them up a bit."

"The truth will set you free; but first it will piss you off"

"Truth has very few friends, and those few are suicides."

I mean, how depressing. Right? Since when has truth gotten such a bad rep?

Personally, I think that truth is hard to say. But once you do, God, your life is so much easier. When you tell the truth, you don't have to remember what you said. Certain people are easier for me to tell the truth to though.

Surprisingly, it's not my parents. But there are 2 people to whom I can tell anything. And I don't know how I would make it through life without them.

They know who they are.

Found It

I found it.

I found the perfect place to relax. To be myself. To let it all go.

I found my home. My refuge. My one and only.

I found my comfort. I found everything I want. Everything I could ever need.

I found it all.

I found...

Home

Inside

Me

JULIAN SMITH - Got my Mac on with iPhone3GS (Official Music Video)

I don't have an iPhone or an iPhone 3GS but this made me laugh. So clever. I wish I could come up with such creative ideas.

Facebook

If you have Facebook, you'll enjoy this. =)

The Simple Things

The simple things in life.

Things like sitting in a coffee shop with friends. Talking over coffee. Things like saying "I love you" and meaning it. Things like listening to the rain. Things like smelling flowers. Or waking up to a perfect morning and just laying in bed.

Things like going shopping with a friend. Or walking backwards just for laughs. Things like dancing in the rain. Or singing to the radio in the car. Taking night drives.

Simplicity is a beautiful, is it not?