Whoa! Big changes!

A full year after I last wrote, and so much has changed!

First, the biggest change:  I'm engaged to be married to the love of my life, and best guy that I've ever met.  Our wedding is scheduled for December 28th, 2011.  I, personally, am so excited!
We've been through our ups and downs, most definitely.  But these ups and downs have only served to make me more firm in my belief that we do, in fact, belong together.

Secondly, I've left my job in the metro area and have moved to Alamosa to be a train car manager, so no more selling school uniforms, yay!  This move means that I am close to my fiancee all summer long, so no more separation anxiety for me, which deserves another "yay!".

Third on the list is that my fiancee and I both have cars, which is splendid.  My dog came down, along with me, so now my fiancee is keeping up with the dog and having fun.

So, now that I have a wedding to prepare for, it's time for this weight to come off.  Diet time!  I'm hoping that I can slim down a bit, so that I can look amazing walking down the aisle.  Ah, I'm nervous!

Anyways, I'll be trying to let you know how it goes.  I have a diet planned for the next two weeks consisting of lots and lots of veggies...let's see how it works.  Wish me luck!

Dear God, can you make it stop pouring!!??

Summertime is supposed to be a time of relaxation, renewal, rejuvenation.

Yeah...right.

I swear, I'm working myself crazy, because when I have a day off I'm so bored.  All that I'm really concerned about is saving money for when I go back to college.  So I save, work, babysit, save, maybe spend some, then save more.

And while this is mundane, at least everything is going like I planned.  My boyfriend's summer is not going so well.

Ok, so besides the fact that he needs a new phone, his car transmission decides to conk out.  Which means that he has to either pay to get his car fixed (expensive) or get a new car (expensive) or be carless (lame and not fun).

He has been working for a month straight.  I'm serious.  Not one day off in a month.  I couldn't deal.  At least I get Sundays off.

Then there's the possibility that even though he has been working for so long he might not get his bonus check at the end of the summer.  His $500 bonus check.  His 2-months-worth-of-rent bonus check.  Besides the fact that he doesn't even know if he's going to have work the entire summer.

Plus, me, his girlfriend, lives in a different city, and I can't see him because my car sucks.  If I had a better car I would be able to go visit him, but not at the moment.  My car would die.  So he has to deal with all these things on his own.  Which isn't horrible, but when you're used to having someone around, it sucks.

I dunno, then there's always the fact that being apart makes things suck even more.

Don't want to get all sentimental on you guys, but there it is.

Well, besides the car, the rent, books, college, work, and having no social life...this summer is going alright.

When it rains, it pours.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Well. It’s a good thing that I’m not old. Because there are quite a few tricks that I need to learn.

Maybe keeping my mouth shut.

It’s been brought to my attention how much I actually do talk. I mean, more than most people. And I actually thought that I was a quiet person! I guess not. I let spill things that I shouldn’t and say unnecessary things. Then again, so do most people. But it’s always something that I can work on. You know, just for self-improvement. I guess it all goes back to self control. Learning to control what I say, when I say it, so on and so forth. More specifically, the virtue of prudence.

I don’t think that our society has much prudence anymore. I mean, people get offended all of the time, and there are certain things that are taboo to say. But I don’t really agree with the subjects that have been chosen as “taboo.” For example, faith. No one talks about faith anymore. They just assume that everyone has found their own place in some faith and that works for them. Certain words are “taboo.” Retarded. Gay. Midget. Then you have to wonder what else is going to be taboo. There’s no telling.

But when it comes to things like gossiping about relationships, outbursts, fights, medical problems, diseases, and other misfortunes that befall the human race – why – speak up! How could you have kept that juicy piece of information to yourself all of those years? And while words like “retarded”, “gay”, and “midget”, are actual facts, actual pieces of vocabulary, and are shunned, rumors grow numerously! What a strange society we live in. Rumors have the potential to ruin lives, hurt relationships, feelings, and damage a multitude of other things.

Suffice it to say that I don’t understand. No wonder I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Unless I just don’t speak at all times, there’s going to be something offensive to others, or offensive to my morality, that I say. Ridiculous.

Events Past

I was looking at this today, and it really amazes me just how naive I can be without knowing it. Seriously. I think I have everything down, then it all falls out from under me, and I realize that I don't.

I tend to rush into things, to make myself feel better. By rushing, you can get past all the doubts and uncertainties collected in your mind. For a while at least. They always come back to you. They're always there.

To really love someone, there has to be no doubt. You can't go into a relationship thinking that it will end. Your view can't be wanting to keep it going. It has to be knowing that it will still be there.

The person who you can truly love is the one that no matter what mistakes you make, they will stand there. Even if it means they are suffering for your mistakes. I haven't been willing to suffer for anyone. Call it naivety. Or whatever you'd like. All that I know is from now on, things are going slow. No more rushing. No more diving headfirst into something that looks like water, but could very well be spit. I'm going to test the water first.

Pardon the crude metaphor, but it's for my sake. I need to get this through my head. If I don't, I risk failing and losing the one who is truly meant for me. I can't let that happen. I refuse to.

My Choice

I choose to give up everything I own

Just for someone whom I know

I choose to bare my very soul

Choose the one who makes me whole

I choose the one who's always been there

Choose the one who I know will care

I choose the one who makes me smile

The one who drives that extra mile

I choose the one that holds me tight

The one who comforts me throughout the night

I choose the one who I've loved from the start

The one who has my entire heart

I choose the one whose love is true

My love, I choose you.

Missing You

As I lay here in bed and think about you

I know one fact to be very true

I miss you, my darling, so very much

Missing everything--your eyes, lips, touch

Your eyes that read me, scan my face

Lock onto mine, and hold them in place

A warm brown, a captivating glow

Looking in them, your love does show

Your lips that kiss me, press against mine

Softer than down, warmer than sunshine

Mouthing words, shapes, and forms

Showering whispers like a light summer storm

Your touch, your skin, your arms that hold tight

Wrapping me, showing me that everything's right

Strong, but gentle, safe and warm

Molding me, shaping me to your solid form

I miss you. I do. I know for a fact

When our hearts collided I was stunned on impact

But now I know you, and you know me

And we both know that this is meant to be

And so I miss you, love you, and have from the start.

To you, my love, I give my whole heart.

This Distance

If I could be there tonight

Hold you, make everything right

Kiss you, love you, make you mine

If I could, I'd waste no time.

If I could look into your eyes

If you could hold me as I cried

If I could, I would, I'd be there now

Some way, some time, some place, somehow.

Run my fingers down your cheek

Bite my lip, unable to speak

Wrap my arms around you tight

And hold you, love you through the night

Laugh with you, study your smile

I'd run, I'd walk, I'd crawl a mile

Just to see you, to hear your voice

This distance, my love, is not my choice

If there was some way that we could meet

I promise, my love, I'd be there in a heartbeat

Being separated from you is so very hard

So close to you...

And yet, so far...

What am I getting myself into...

All of this just seems to be insanity.

College

I don't know what I'm supposed to write. But that's ok. It's just a blog, right?

This is it

I leave tomorrow morning.

I'm scared. But I can do this. I know I can.

I'm excited. But I can't let myself get overexcited.

I'm sad. But with a scent of happiness.

I'm ready.

Getting Closer

The time to leave has almost come.

I'm getting ready. And nervous. I mean...whew. I'm leaving. Which is exciting. But can I make it out there? I'm just starting to realize how terrifying the world is. And that scares me a bit.

But I think that I can do it.

I know that I can do it.

I'm just going to have to put some effort into it. Which is doable. I hope.

Nah. I need to think positive. That's doable. Way easy. I can do this. I know I can do this.

At least, I think I know...

Different Perspectives

It's crazy to me to think about how the best day of my life could be the worst of someone else's. I mean...I come home in the happiest mood ever and somehow, someone else feels like committing suicide.

Granted, that's an extreme example. But think about it. So many people in the world. So many experiences. And one of yours that you think is the best in the world could have repercussions that make someone else want to die. I don't know, it kind of puts a damper on my good days.

So many things to be thankful for. And yet we aren't as happy as we should be. So many have so much less, yet are so much more thankful. It's a vicious cycle. The more you have, the more you want.

Perspectives.

Cool.

Politics

I realized something recently.

You know how politicians always get the bad rep? They're always the ones twisting the words around, answering a question with another question, never having anything direct to say. Why do we hate them so much?

Disregard the fact that they seem to never know how to lead our country. Or that they are oblivious to our wants and wishes. Never mind that they say they will stand for one thing and then do another. Overlook their vanity and high paychecks. Avert your gaze from their affairs and involvement in things entirely un-political, such as movies and commercials and "green" campaigns. Forget all of that stuff.

I think that we hate them because we see the potential for each one of us to be exactly like them. I know that if I had as much power as they do, I would think to myself. "Screw the people, I know what's best." We all tell ourselves that we could do better. But could we? Living on not only a national stage, but a global stage? It would be difficult.

Now, before you come and egg my house for the things that I'm saying, let me get one thing straight. In no way do I endorse the politicians who currently hold office. I disagree with everything that they stand for and if I could, I would see them out of any position of power.

But I do like to keep an open mind. And so all that I'm saying is that I get it, politics is hard.

Then again, you were the one who ran, right?

Decisions

So I've been thinking lately.

I'm saving money. Doing the right thing. I'm tired of regret. I'm only 18 for God's sake. Regret shouldnt be a part of my life yet.

But I'm deciding who I am. Who I want to be. I think I'm getting it.

Food.

I'm hungry.

Yeah, my stomach is growling and I'm licking my lips. I really am hungry for food. But something else too. I can't quite say yet. Idk. I'll figure it out soon.

Reflections

Well.

I made a lot of mistakes. I know that.

But, I think they were for the best. I mean...I figured out some things that I should have figured out before. Or maybe not. Maybe I was supposed to learn all of this now. Maybe it was all planned out.

That's kind of a comforting thought.

But I know that I hurt people that were, and still are, very important to me. And I need to apologize for that. I know that an apology really does nothing...but there is nothing else that I can do. What am I supposed to say? "Well, now you know that I'm a terrible person who enjoys hurting people. I have no heart whatsoever and creating misery is my passion."

As much as you would like to hear that, it's simply not true. I hate hurting people. Despise it. Every time someone is hurting, I hurt too. And when I cause the pain, it's almost suicidal. Literally. Maybe I don't have a heart though. I mean, how could I possibly when I gave it away? I hope I have a little smidgen left though, so that it will grow back. I know that time will allow it to grow back. I just have to let it.

I know I was wrong. But I was right too. I know that I did the right thing. The only thing wrong about it was the timing. I should have done it sooner. But the past is the past. I can't change it. I shouldn't have said some of the things that I said, and I should probably have gone about it in a different way. But the fact of the matter is that I didn't. And I can't change that.

Well. I made some important decisions. I'm staying in-state for college. Going about 4 hours away from home. So I still get out of the house but I also get out of debt.

I'm sorry.

Peace

I have been told that the point of war is peace...on the victors terms. If that's true, then is there such a thing as peace? I'm talking about the peace that people think of automatically. No one is being attacked and no one is attacking another.

In each case, there's going to be a person or entity that does not feel as if they have peace because they will not have been the victors.

I don't think that peace like that is possible. Even if you have peace in the broad perspective, like your country is not being attacked, you still don't have peace in your home. How many families are broken apart? Fights happen every day. Domestic violence...murder...theivery. If we truly had peace would any of this be necessary?

So...where do we get this idea of peace from?

Well, I'll tell you my idea.

You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and you just have absolutely nothing to do? Your life my be hell...perhaps you just lost your job, you have bills to pay, kids to feed...etc. But for that one moment, your eyes flutter open after a good night's sleep and a small smile plays on your lips. Maybe you roll to the side and see the one you love sleeping right next to you. And for that moment, you experience peace. Maybe you reach over and brush his hair out of his face. Smile as he moves away from your hand, maybe utters a groan and tries to roll over some more, pulling all of the covers with him. That's peace. In a few minutes, you'll realize you have no job with bills to pay and kids to feed...but for now, none of that matters.

There are other times that you can experience this feeling. But for me, that is the most prominent. Granted, it has yet to happen, but I can just imagine. It makes me smile to think about it. I can't wait.

Timeline

Time is continually ticking away.

As each year progresses, it becomes a continually smaller fraction of our entire life. So, each year seems to go faster then the one before it because it is a smaller portion of our lives.

It's an exponential cycle that we cannot escape. When we are 75, one year is 1/75th of our life. But when we are 3, one year is 1/3rd of our life. So it seems to get faster as time goes on.

I think that it's hard to actually measure time. It goes by in so many different ways for different people. Some people complain that it drags on. Others complain because it goes too quickly. Me? I'm somewhere in the middle.

I'm so disappointed with myself that I didn't make the most of the time that I had in high school. I wish that I would have gotten to know the people that I met senior year as a freshman. But I was too set in my ways, too scared to branch our to new people that I missed out on a lot of fun.

I wish that I had done more. Tried more things. Because I am quickly realizing that my life is gettting shorter and shorter. I have so much to do, and so much that I have not done. I used to think that I was doing so much with my life. I was busy all the time. Now I realize that I have done nothing.

I have gone to school.

I have had the same friends for years.

I need to meet new people. Try new things. Live. I want to live my life. No longer will I pass each day without realizing that it is another that I have lost. I do not want each day to be a day that I lose. I want it to be a memory that I gain. And to make this happen, I'm going to have to work hard.

I want to look back and wish I could live my life over again. Not because I would do it differently...but because I would do it the same way again because I loved it so much.

To experience everything I experience for the first time. Never again will I know the wonder of getting a dollar under my pillow from the tooth fairy. Never again will I see the ocean for the first time. Never again will I fall in love for the first time.

I just wish that I would have been a bit more wise earlier. I still have a long way to go.

Uniting the world with terrible dancing.

Beautiful in a chilling yet amazing way.

What the hell were you thinking!??

I have reached the conclusion that some people are just born insane. Because no matter how many times you tell them otherwise, they continue, day in and day out, to do the same, stupid stuff EVERY DAY.

Like pushing on the "pull" door.

Or asking for coffee and then getting mad when it's hot.

Not following instructions and wondering why it's not working.

Honking at me to go when the light is red.

Running into closed doors.

Pretending to be busy by reading a book...upside down.

It's even funnier when you see the people saying that they "never" do those things and then...*poof* they do them right then and there. I have seen someone say that they never drink decaf...then pour themselves a cup. Once, a friend of mine said her boyfriend would never cheat on her...we walked outside to find him making out with a different girl. I die laughing because people are so idiotic sometimes.

I suffer from idiotism too though. I mean, I've run into my fair share of glass doors. I have run red lights because I swore they were green. I have stopped fully at green lights because I swore they were red. I have sat on hold for 20 minutes before I realized that they had hung up on me. I have been mad at people for calling me and yelled at them because all I got was silence until I realized my phone was muted. I have tried for 3 hours to fix my computer before I realized the battery was dead.

So like I said, I'm as guilty as the rest of them. But I still like to laugh at them. And occasionally, I laugh at me too.

The Truth

I happen to love the truth.

Yea, I know that sounds kind of obvious. But have you ever realized how many people don't like it?

I mean, look at all these sayings:

"Truth and happiness...you can have 1 but not both."

"Most truths are so naked that people feel sorry for them and cover them up a bit."

"The truth will set you free; but first it will piss you off"

"Truth has very few friends, and those few are suicides."

I mean, how depressing. Right? Since when has truth gotten such a bad rep?

Personally, I think that truth is hard to say. But once you do, God, your life is so much easier. When you tell the truth, you don't have to remember what you said. Certain people are easier for me to tell the truth to though.

Surprisingly, it's not my parents. But there are 2 people to whom I can tell anything. And I don't know how I would make it through life without them.

They know who they are.

Found It

I found it.

I found the perfect place to relax. To be myself. To let it all go.

I found my home. My refuge. My one and only.

I found my comfort. I found everything I want. Everything I could ever need.

I found it all.

I found...

Home

Inside

Me

JULIAN SMITH - Got my Mac on with iPhone3GS (Official Music Video)

I don't have an iPhone or an iPhone 3GS but this made me laugh. So clever. I wish I could come up with such creative ideas.